I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
