Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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