this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Randomize
