Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
