'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Randomize
