a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
