i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
