The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Randomize
