awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
