i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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