You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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