omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Randomize
