Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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