I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
