sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
