I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
