This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Randomize
