just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
