Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
