I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
