All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
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