Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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