I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Randomize
