Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
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