Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
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