I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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