I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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