bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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