What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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