Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
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