does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
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