I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
