porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
