Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Randomize
