The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
