I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Randomize
