I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
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