I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
