I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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