Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
