well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
