Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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