My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
