a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
whose parrot is this?
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
