Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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