You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
i believe in u and ur pee
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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