My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Randomize
