The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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