i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
the day after is always just damage control
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Rumble strips road head = magical
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
