I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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