I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
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