your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Randomize
