I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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