This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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