My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
