I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
