The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
