God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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