After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
