just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
