I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
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